Man, it’s been a long … well, I don’t know how long it’s been. We’ve been outside this learnin’ building for what seems like forever, ya know? I still am not quite sure what we’re doing, either. It seems like all we do is shut down sidewalks and drill big holes. I mean, I like making holes, don’t get me wrong. I pretend I’m back in my sandbox as a kid, only I get paid for this now. God bless America.
I like digging these holes a lot, but man, the best part about this job is the tools we get to be using. They’re loud and proud, just like me. Some mornings I drill and drill away just ‘cause I like the sound, ya know?
Man, though, this mornin’ some sweater wearing, beard-havin’, book-teachey guy came out and yelled at me because I was “interrupting his class.” Now that got me all pissed and whatnot. If I weren’t such a nice fellow, I’d go into his classroom and tell all those nerds to stop wasting their time in class, learnin’ about Shakespeare and his band of femmes, and to get on out in the real world and work with me and my brothers. The fresh air, the freedom and the loud noises; construction’s got it all, ya know?
I will say, maybe there is something to all this school-goin’. There are some tasty-looking females wandering around this here campus. Maybe I should go back and get my degree just to sit next to Heather Hottie or Kelly Kinky over there. Those tight drawers with “PINK” written on the back really send my jackhammer into overdrive.
I have to master this gawking, though. Just the other day I narrowly missed my you-know-who’s with a jackhammer – boy, would my face have been red.
I have figured out that these ladies like to go to this place called Wingers. Man, I’ve been there before, and I’m not a fan. If I wanted to go to a sticky place with a bunch of other brosephs checking out females, I’d just go to a strip club. At least those ladies appreciate a man with a job throwing dollars at ‘em.
I’m getting off-topic, though. What was I saying? Oh yeah, holes. This campus is full of ‘em. I haven’t been told when we’re shutting all this stuff down.
I heard a rumor there’s a secret contest between chancellors about who can get more empty holes and construction on their campus. I’ll help you out there, Wellsy. I don’t know what chancellors do, but I heard they have magic powers. Man, if I had magic powers, I don’t know what I’d be getting. Maybe two jackhammers for hands. They could call me “The Jackhammer.” Man, that’s a bitchin’ nickname.
I should get back to work; these holes aren’t going to dig themselves, and these ladies aren’t going to whistle at themselves neither. I wonder if they all have MySpace.
Disclaimer: This article appears in our Halloween Issue and is satirical in nature.
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