Signs on both Algoma Boulevard and Woodland Avenue will direct trick-or-treaters to Chancellor Richard Wells’ home, marking the fourth year of the annual chancel-or-treat celebration he hosts for local children.
Chancellor Wells planned to stage an elaborate welcoming for trick-or-treaters of all ages at his home consisting of candy and contracts to be handed out during normal Oshkosh trick-or-treating hours.
Chancellor Wells will be festively dressed as an average Joe, complete with his tattooed arms revealing his skull and spider-webs for all the visitors to see on Halloween.
This year marks the fourth year that Wells has handed out hazardous candy and attempted to find a replacement chancellor for UW-Oshkosh without depleting University funds above a negligible amount for razor blades and laxatives.
Past efforts have remained largely unsuccessful, but Wells is hopeful that this year will be different.
“My luck is bound to change, especially with this year’s candies,” Wells said as he chuckled.
Vice Chancellor Petra Roter told press representatives that the idea for the annual event came about after Wells returned from his interview with a Florida university several years ago.
“His rejection advice included hosting charity events so that he could later use the event as leverage for future positions,” Roter said. “The Chancellor wisely decided to combine the two steps into one, which is more economical and shows his commitment to sustainability.”
In past years, children chose the razor blade candy over a job constantly talking about sustainability.
“Of course I took the candy. I can’t share his job with someone I don’t like,” an OSA member and past trick-or-treater was quoted as saying, on condition of anonymity.
Even non-traditional trick-or-treaters have said they would turn down the offer after hearing the job description posted on flyers posted by Wells.
“Wear a suit, pose with a shovel, occasionally look for a higher-paying chancellorship –it just doesn’t sound fulfilling when he puts it that way,” said second grader Mason Cohen of now-defunct Lincoln Elementary School.
Since handing out a chancellorship, essentially a concept or title, is a difficult operation, Wells drew up a contract that would relieve him of his duties in Oshkosh.
A copy of the contract is available on the Web site www.Craigslist.org, located in the Services, ‘Adult’ job category.
Trick-or-treaters didn’t want to sign the contract in years past, as Wells was described as overly eager for signatures.
“After I heard him say he’d try to notarize a baby’s X mark on the contract when the baby’s mom wasn’t looking, I didn’t even want the candy he’s offering,” sophomore Chad Kominski said.
Nevertheless Wells remained hopeful.
“I think I may find my replacement this year,” Wells said. “Last year’s candidate nearly got the job, but he couldn’t crawl up all the steps to the office. He’s up for reconsideration when he’s two.”
Disclaimer: This article appears in our Halloween Issue and is satirical in nature.
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