For years the city of Oshkosh has been unjustly overlooked as a potential Winter Olympics host candidate.
It seems that fate has intervened, and an unfortunate string of events has forced the hand of the Olympic Planning Commission to find an alternate site for the 2010 Winter Olympics, which up until Monday were to be hosted in Vancouver, British Colombia.
And which city in the whole expansive globe did the OPC decide would be up to the immaculate standards needed to pull off the hallowed games? None other than the most revered and awe-inspiring jewel of the Fox Valley: Oshkosh.
On Monday morning, from the Olympic headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland, officials announced that Oshkosh had been picked in a methodical and tedious process dubbed “throwing a dart at a spinning globe” and Oshkosh will be one of the smallest cities yet to host the Winter Games.
When it was decided that the Oshkosh campus be remodeled into Olympic Village, Chancellor Richard Wells was “so friggin’ excited” when he heard the news.
“When Representative Li Ng from the Olympic committee informed me that my office was going to become the judge’s quarters, I almost choked on my wife’s beef stroganoff,” Wells said. “This will be great for the campus and the city, but I’m just excited to finally circulate my resume in a diverse international network. Jackpot.”
Construction began immediately, and without snag, due to the equipment in use around campus. Additional contractors from outside Wisconsin were brought in to assist in the construction of the grounds, a process that one worker considered to be “easier than expected, because the whole campus was already under construction anyway.”
Due to its already freezing temperatures, the Clow building will be renovated into an impressive luge and bobsled course, with the long hallways being used to facilitate the curling competitions.
Massive amounts of snow will be piled on top of Harrington Hall to build the skiing portion of the Olympics, a move that Wells hailed as “brilliant because we weren’t doing anything with [Harrington] anyway.”
Students and Oshkosh residents alike are in a tizzy over the influx of humanity that has been appearing since the relocation decision was final.
Dirk Sanchez, the proprietor of a hat shop in Oshkosh, is already hard at work making his store more appealing to a soon-to-be global audience.
“Alligator leather, yak fur, even shark skin – I don’t know what any of those worldly types like to wear, so I figured I’d cover my bases,” Sanchez said. “Hopefully we’ll be getting some birka jackets in too, because that Eskimo look has finally stepped into the spotlight.”
Carl Landenbauer, a local advice columnist and amateur falconer, is preparing for another facet of the Olympics that Oshkosh will be greeted with – “Mega huge international babe-age.”
“I don’t know if I’m the only one to realize this, but this place is going to be crawling with hunnies once this Olympic thing gets going,” Landenbauer said. “I just wish Rosetta Stone taught dirty pick-up lines, but as usual I suppose my surplus good looks will have to get me through this one.”
Although some work is still in progress, and despite some students’ protests that the Olympics will “totally fuck up my sleep,” it seems that most of the Oshkosh campus and community are gearing up for what will certainly be an exciting winter.
Disclaimer: This article appears in our Halloween Issue and is satirical in nature.
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