In an effort to raise awareness about testicular cancer, the UW-Oshkosh football team will be sporting some new helmets for their games in November.
A three-dimensional, oversized blue testicle will be placed on each side of the helmet, covering up the logo, for the Titans’ two November games.
“Breast cancer awareness month in October really got a lot of people to sit up and take notice of this disease, “ said Titans head coach Pat Cerroni. “But now it’s time for everyone to realize guys have problems, too.”
While June is typically reserved for testicular cancer awareness, the football season does not take place in the summer.
“I like the color,” said freshman reserve quarterback Ron Mexico. “I’m all for breast cancer awareness, but I was really sick of all that pink.”
While the color blue can sometimes go hand-in-hand with testicles, the color was merely chosen to represent men, since pink is the color chosen for women.
In addition to the helmets, special blue ribbons will be distributed at the Nov. 14 game against UW-Stout.
The ribbons are shaped just like the pink breast cancer awareness ribbons, except the ends at the base of the ribbon curl up to form large spheres.
The hardened-plastic testes will also serve a medical purpose as well.
Due to the added stability they give the wearer, the blue meanies will offer a 25 percent reduction in concussions and other head-related injuries.
“Who would have thunk it?” asked senior linebacker Alvin Mack. “You don’t need a cup to protect these balls. The balls protect you.”
Cerroni and his players have already presented Chancellor Richard Wells with his own helmet, which he has prominently displayed on his office desk.
“This has been in the works for a long time, “ Wells said. “We’ve been going balls-out for the last five years in trying to raise awareness for cancer. This is a touchdown for men everywhere.”
Sophomore wide receiver Clifford Franklin says he is not a fan of the hat nuts because they slow him down during the game.
“That junk is not aerodynamic, “ he said. “When you’re flying down the field on a go route, you don’t need a pair of gonads in the air slowing you down.”
But Cerroni said he thinks his players will adapt to the newly orbed hardware.
“Our guys are smart,“ he said. “They’ll make do. I think the guys that came up with the testicular cancer campaign did a great job in positioning the genitals. Having blue balls on your head is far from the worst place you can have them.”
Calling each other “Smurfy Mouse” in practice is one of the many aspects that have given the players a few laughs since they began practicing in the helmets.
Junior running back James “Boobie” Miles said he enjoys grabbing a pilon from the end zone to mime different skits to amuse his teammates as well.
“They put the family jewels on the helmets and they got pilons in the end zone,” he said. “We are men that have just entered or are just about to enter our 20s—they had to know we would put two and two together.”
While Oshkosh is the only school in the country to adopt this particular testicular cancer awareness campaign, Cesar Cojones University (Tex.), Southwest Arizona-Chandler (SAC) State University and Johnson-Bollocks College (Mass.) are all expected to join the campaign in 2010.
Disclaimer: This article appears in our Halloween Issue and is satirical in nature.
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