To whom it may concern –
First of all, let me say simply – Touché. It takes a whole hell of a lot to even draw me out of my depths, let alone to write a scathing and unabashed complaint directed at you faceless construction planners. Let’s just say you’ve got my attention.
I’m convinced that this is my karma coming home to roost, or what’s gone around has come around. My past indiscretions, which are numerous for sure, have come back and nipped me in the keister. I get it.
I haven’t slept in months. I’m somewhere in the purgatory of insomnia. It started when that infernal parking complex was built. It felt like it took months, and after all of that work, those months of jackhammering and digging yielded a measly three levels. Three levels? Are you kidding me? I just didn’t understand it.
I’m normally nocturnal, so the constant thundering of construction and demolition from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. really wasn’t what the doctor ordered. Needless to say, now I’ve become addicted to daytime soap operas and ShamWow, so thanks for that as well.
Now the thing that still really gives me the creeps is that parking complex. Why only three levels? Why not five levels? Or nine? I’m no architect, but my common sense is telling me that building a massive structure all at once may have been a better option than building it “as you go.” But I’m only one being, so perhaps I missed something.
Unless you planners plan on going subterranean with this parking structure? If that’s the easier or cheaper solution, I would assume you’ll be digging as soon as possible. And how long until the high parking demand, caused by a growing student body, descends into my depths? I take this as a declaration of war, and I won’t stand for it.
I can only handle so much. Things need to be improved upon, so construction is necessary. Well, just because it’s going to happen doesn’t mean I’ll sit by and let things go smoothly. I won’t.
I mean, I’m Satan. These sleeves are not without a steady supply of tricks. What happens if I make the workers feel a tad greedy? This would certainly cause a strike if carefully monitored; a strike that would thusly end your precious parking complex improvements, however slightly.
And after the strike? Well, I could spread rumors of another economic crisis, which would adversely affect the amount of state and private funding that would have been used to build your precious new ramps and such. This might also breed yet another Michael Moore movie, and let me just say that these films are among the most popular in Hell.
Needless to say, I’ve already peed in your fancy schmancy parking structure, and please believe my armies will be ordered to do likewise if you ever decide to build down rather than up. Let’s just say that Satan’s minion’s pee smells really bad, so think long and hard about that one.
I realize that it may never come to this. I really don’t want it to come to this, to be honest.
I’m sure that when all the extraneous buildings and houses around campus are all bulldozed to add 20 parking spots, you’ll probably just build a few more levels on top of that nifty parking structure. I cause enough trouble with people that don’t have the audacity to annoy me, so imagine what I’d do to someone that pissed me off. Just keep your distance, fuckers.
Sincerely,
Satan/Lucifer/Beelzebub/Al Pacino
Disclaimer: This article appears in our Halloween Issue and is satirical in nature.
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