It seems as though logic has finally won its battle with Mother Nature, and it is finally nice outside. But there's one thing that threatens to keep me out of the sun despite the impending nice weather – all the idiots who insist on bringing their guitar outside.
I know I sound like a snob. I probably am a snob. But I can't be alone with my disinterest toward hearing Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews songs violently crooned by some clown with a hemp necklace large enough to compensate for the Bob Marley shirt he took off minutes before he started playing the guitar.
Now I understand this is an overgeneralization, but I feel it's apt. I know there are a lot of emo kids playing guitars too, but at least they wear a shirt, though it's typically black despite the 90-degree temperatures.
And let's not forget about the rare, but just as frustrating group of metal heads who bring their shitty practice amps and B.C. Rich guitars outside to blast overplayed hard rock and heavy metal riffs through awful built-in distortion with high volume and no tone.
Here's the thing. I don't like noise, especially bad noise. Especially when I'm walking to class trying to enjoy the warm rays of the sun and the smoke coming from my Camel Turkish Silver.
Your lack of any knowledge outside of power chords is astounding and the fact that females flock to you is simply astonishing. I can't argue with results, though, so part of me does have to tip my cap to those who have used this as a pick-up move.
That being said, this is a problem. This is not an unsolveable problem though. If there is discussion about banning smoking on campus, surely there can be a push toward making noise illegal.
I have two solutions to this problem – I'll call it an epidemic. One of the solutions may be overly radical, but I'll volunteer to lead the charge for my second solution.
The first and most logical solution, as well as the most radical, is to eliminate all noise outdoors. I know we can't keep birds and natural things quiet (yet), so they can speak freely. But I want no guitars, no protestors, no talking, particularly no talking on the phone. Everyone else text messages each other, so don't think you're any better than them by actually talking to people.
I'm willing to be flexible, however. If after a probationary period, two or three years sounds about the right length of time, students have shown they can be seen and not heard, they will then be allowed to whisper to their nearest friend.
My second solution would require all outdoor "musicians" (I use that term loosely) to have a permit to play outside. One can obtain this permit by showcasing their "talent" (again, I use this term loosely) through an "American Idol"-like competition. I'll even judge. I don't really have anything better to do. I can be the asshole like Simon, the idiot everyone loves like Randy or the mess that is Paula. I'm not picky.
This could even be turned into a campus event. Think about it, R.U.B. Let's use the Titan Underground to host this battle of the idiots instead of having the same bands there on a monthly basis. You can market it and think of a clever name. One of you could even be Ryan Seacrest. I'm looking at you, Jake White.
Tickets could be sold and the masses will no doubt flock. History shows people on this campus will gather in hordes to see terrible music (i.e., this year's Skillet concert). Fans could hold up signs that read, "Pick John, he knows more chords than just Am, C, G and D!"
Hell, we could give all the money to people with cancer. Or even better, little kids with cancer. Terminal cancer. Now we're getting somewhere.
Maybe this is above and beyond R.U.B. and myself. If the administration is required, bring them in. I'm sure Wellsy doesn't like hearing "Hey There Delilah" while he's showing people around campus. It makes us look bad.
Think about it, UWO: money for cancer kids or a quieter, more peaceful mall for all of the student body. I'll do my part, but the ball is in your court, administration.
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