Sorry not sorry
Published: Thursday, January 31, 2013
Updated: Thursday, January 31, 2013 00:01
Dear Mr. Colfer,
Thank you very much for your submission of your fantasy novel, “Artemis Fowl,” for our publication. However, we found many problems with your main character that led us to the decision that we will not be able to publish the novel at this time.
Your story’s hero, Artemis, is just a little boy, but somehow a 12-year-old millionaire with more talent than all his elders and superiors combined. Now we know he isn’t Justin Bieber, so how is this all possible? In the story, young Artemis decides he is going to prove to the world that fairies exist. This seems quite normal for a 12-year-old childish activity that makes every adult in the room feel the need to pinch his cheeks with a resounding “awww…” On Artemis’ quest however, he duels the LEPrecon team with their recruitment of the kleptomaniac dwarf and narrowly avoids being killed from a biological bomb. This is starting to sound a little far-fetched for a 12-year-old boy. Fantasy novel or not, all the 12-year-olds we know sleep with a nightlight, fight over the prize in the cereal box, and still can’t quite stay awake in long car rides.
We also know children younger and younger are getting gadgets and privileges they don’t need until they become a little older. Unlike some people we know, Artemis does not have a cell phone to text all his little friends from his sixth grade class, but he does have his own butler, security cameras, a stock of sleeping pills, and oh yeah, a metric ton of 24-carat gold. This seems a little implausible. Did Artemis just walk down to the corner Walgreens alone and order up a box of Xanax for himself? We think not.
To wrap things up, there is just no way a 12-year-old child could be capable of such feats as Artemis Fowl accomplishes. No matter how much taller he is than the other kids, how much more mature he is and how many older siblings he has, he’s still a little boy. He should not receive all the privileges of a teenager when certain people actually had to wait until they turned 13. We would like to once again give our sincere apologies, and we wish you luck in your future endeavors.